I would say that one of the most valuable aspects of being in a long-term relationship is the depth of intimacy one has the opportunity to reach when we spend so much intimate time with another person. And I don’t believe that those same depths are easily reached with a new partner – regardless of how deep our connection with them may be, true intimacy still takes time to build and establish.
Intimacy takes many forms – and living in the same space as someone for any prolonged period of time will certainly require us to share moments (both physical and emotional) with each other that we would rarely (if ever) share with anyone else. How comfortable we feel during such intimate moments, however, will always depend on how safe we feel in our relationship to our partner.
Being truly intimate with one another means we can relax completely with another person – and be each other’s best friends, lovers and confidantes too. There is something so incredibly healing about sharing this level of relaxation with another – it holds its own particular flavour of healing magic and provides the opportunity for us to open up and grow within its sacred, held container.
Our intimate moments together will, of course, include the sexual intimacy between us as well. And how safe we feel with our partner will, most definitely determine how deeply we are able to surrender and connect during our sexual experiences with one another.
The most important thing I have learned about intimacy, is that safety is the key to the most profound sexual intimacy, pleasure and connection.
So how do we build such safety?
Well, as with every change we wish to make in life, it starts with ourselves. To experience safety with somebody else, first we have to feel safe within our own bodies.
Safety is one of the most important tenets of the work that I do – and this is carried over into my signature Yoni Vitality Programme, which is now open again for registration. Made up of 6 different modules, covering various different areas of focus required to build strong sexual health and vitality, the issue of safety is covered within the first module – Relax. We also discuss safety in more detail on the Relax Zoom call together – with the subject tending to crop up all the way through the rest of the programme too. It really is that fundamental to (firstly) embracing our relationship to our own sexuality – and then, secondly, choosing to share this beautiful aspect of being human with another, if we so wish.
So yeah, in my work, I talk about the importance of safety quite a lot. I am very aware of how fortunate I am to live in a safe, cosy home, surrounded by loving people – and to even have the space to contemplate this subject at all. There are still so many women – all over the world, in a multitude of different circumstances – who do not have this kind of safety. They live in very unsafe environments and, in that kind of environment, we naturally switch to living in fight or flight or freeze mode, with our vagus nerve triggered and our entire nervous system jangled – making it a physical impossibility for us to be able to relax. And when we are in that kind of state, we are constantly being re-traumatised and can’t even begin to think about releasing past trauma or stepping into our full potential in this lifetime. In such circumstances, survival is the only thing on the radar.
So if we have a level of safety in our homes, we are very fortunate – and, from that space of physical safety, we can start to look at how to restore emotional safety via calming and nourishing our nervous system in order to let go of any trauma, so that we can step out of our constricted lives and be the absolute best possible versions of ourselves, living our best lives, on every level. When we feel safe, we get to play, we get to express ourselves fully and authentically, and we get to expand beyond what we already know of ourselves.
But first we need to address healing our emotional safety – because most of us still don’t feel emotionally safe – and often only have limited experience of ever being so. As a result, we are still in fight or flight when it comes to our emotional state.
So how do we address this? Basically, we need to soothe and calm our nervous systems – and we can learn to do this via creating overall nervous system nourishment, as well as learning more specifically about the vagus nerve and how we can work with it to create more safety in our emotional body.
If you are interested in learning more about restoring a feeling of safety, calm and relaxation to your nervous system – as well as covering many other aspects of our sexuality that, together, contribute towards achieving/maintaining vibrant “yoni vitality”, be sure to check out my Yoni Vitality Programme, which is now open for registration.
I look forward to you joining me – and the other awesome women who also join us this time around – on this beautiful, brave and fascinating journey back home to ourselves.