I think all of us can relate to having chased orgasm at some stage in our lives. It’s kinda how we’re conditioned to believe orgasm is supposed to be – fast and furious – so we’d better chase it if we want to catch one!
We also have the conditioning of believing that in order to make our partners feel they have “done a good job” – as well as to show off our own sexual prowess – we need to be able to orgasm quickly and easily and multiple times. After all, that’s what happens in the movies, right?
So what a delight it was to eventually learn that that is absolutely NOT the best strategy for either achieving orgasm or having the most orgasmic and connected sexual experience.
One thing that has helped me transition from the “junk food” model of sex to a far more gourmet affair, has been conscious breathing.
When we breathe deeply and slowly, we automatically slow down all of our actions too. And when we are making love, connecting to a deep, slow rhythm of breathing keeps us so in the moment that it ends up sort of suspending us in a state of timelessness – where it is all about the present experience and nothing else exists. Which all adds up to deeper connection and pleasure – and for a whole lot longer too.
Breathing consciously in this way is also an amazing way to get naturally high – that is, connected to our higher selves and all of the wisdom and understanding that exists in that state. It’s the state where judgement, criticism, defensiveness, control and fear melt away – and are replaced by a state of enhanced sensation, feeling, surrender and understanding. A great state for making love in, in other words!
Using our breath in this way can also bring up unresolved issues – including ways we keep ourselves closed or anything around our sexuality that we haven’t accepted or integrated yet. This is only to be expected – because conscious breathwork moves energy – but it is a great way to bring these issues to the surface to be addressed (if necessary) and released.
Breathe deeply into your pelvis and yoni as you start to make love (or self-pleasure) and, as you feel your sexual energy rising, draw it up through the body, surrendering and opening to whatever feeling comes up as you do so. And keep cycling this same action repeatedly.
Another method for connection and slowing down is eye-gazing. I’ve long understood the importance of eye contact during love-making – but, since watching a recent video about eye-gazing by Layla Martin, I am newly-inspired to try it at other times too.
It’s definitely a little more challenging than conscious breathing! But also amazing for keeping us present and connected. And it can be done at any time, not just during love-making, in order to reconnect. Full and deep reconnection with another happens via the eyes. You can also do it just before you make love in order to melt away any judgements or irritations that have built up between you – which are all barriers to deeply satifsying sexual connection. And definitely do it whilst making love – so that it’s not just your bodies that are connected but your souls too. Avoiding each other’s gaze during sex allows us to stay in our own separate worlds – and we are never going to achieve the deep states of connection we seek if we do that.
Eye-gazing and conscious pelvic breathing can definitely play a huge part in helping us slow down, stay present and enjoy the whole delicious love-making journey rather than rushing through it like a mad race to the finish line! And as for orgasm itself, it teaches us to let go of that as a goal – after all, the journey really is what it’s about – so why not prolong the pleasure for as long as possible and not worry about where we are going? The irony of this approach is that orgasm does tend to happen much more easily and is a far deeper experience too as we naturally start to experience prolonged states of relaxed arousal, leading to states of expanded orgasm that can last for half an hour or more.
“Conventional” orgasm usually happens in a contracted state – and whilst the love-making leading up to it might have taken time, the orgasm itself is often very short-lived and confined to the genitals. There is a short, sharp release of energy – but then a period of relaxation is required before the body is ready to become aroused and begin again. But when we draw our breath up through the rest of the body instead, we relax the body and expand the entire experience throughout the whole body – and this prolongs the orgasmic experience and the pleasure just keeps rolling through us in waves. I find cervical stimulation is particularly helpful in reaching this state (and a yoni wand can be really useful for this – and for anyone interested, I have more arriving next week!) – but every woman is different, so experiment and see what works for you.
As well as obviously prolonging the pleasure we feel, expanded orgasm calms our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and activates our parasympathetic nervous system (relaxation and well-being). It helps to balance hormones and bring a sense of peace and wholeness. It increases our confidence and self-esteem and increases our capacity to create effective, fulfilling lives. As well as increasing our connection to life in general.
All things that are definitely worth slowing down for! ♥