I think there is still a very common belief (in society at large) that if women are in a relationship, there shouldn’t be a need for her to self-pleasure. Here’s why I don’t agree with that – and also why I feel self-pleasure is so important for all women, of all ages.
First of all, in order to know what we enjoy sexually – where to be touched and how, amongst other nuances – we need the time and space to be able to work that out – and the best way to do that is on our own. And to remember that the key to having better sexual experiences with a lover, is mastering having sex with ourselves first. Making love to ourselves… pleasuring ourselves – which is an ever-evolving and deepening art! And if we don’t take the time to discover – and constantly re-discover – this knowledge of our own bodies, it is going to be impossible for us to be able to communicate that to a partner. Understanding the importance of the heart-body connection and how to cultivate that for a far deeper sexual experience with ourselves and others is also something that comes with curious self-exploration – and so is clearly universally beneficial.
Exploring their own pleasure is something that girls/young women should ideally engage in long before any kind of sexual relationship is entered into – and yet they are seldom encouraged to do so. And there are also many adult women who still haven’t explored their own bodies properly yet either. The great news is, however, that it’s never too late to start 😉
Secondly, all women need to become aware of the amazing power of their own sexuality as early as is appropriate for their own development (this obviously varies from woman to woman). Again, the best way they can discover this is to explore it on their own – and to read/listen to material that reinforces this sex-positive message. Encouraging our teenage daughters, nieces and friends to have a positive view of exploring their own bodies & sexuality and the wonders that a healthy relationship to them holds, is something that I believe should be treated as one of our most important duties in our role as guides and mentors to younger women. Having the knowledge of the power of our sexuality enables us to live life to the absolute fullest expression of who we are – whether we choose to be in a relationship or not.
It is also worth stating here, that it doesn’t take much investigation to realise where the lack of sexual self-exploration in women comes from. There really still is so much of a stigma attached to female masturbation/self-pleasure. Whilst a far more accepting attitude is directed towards male masturbation (which is not only expected, but also treated as a healthy rite of passage for pubescent boys), the same can hardly be said for the attitude towards girls indulging in the same delightful exploration of their own bodies. This can lead to a lot of confusion, shame and self-doubt – as well as a reluctance for some to explore themselves as fully as they might have done, were such behaviour to be considered more “acceptable”. And beyond such negative emotions can only lie even more sexual illusions and confused thinking once we venture into relationships… So it really is high time this imbalance between the sexes and our exploration of our own pleasure is turned around – and the importance of doing so is recognised.
Lastly, women of all ages need to understand that we do not need to rely on anyone else in order to access our sexual pleasure. This is a concept that, when unknown, causes untold confusion! And it is, unfortunately, still so widely unknown – the same chronic disempowerment that is caused by the attitudes to women’s exploration of their own sexuality feeds yet more chronic disempowerment -playing itself out by the bullshit idea that we need someone else to “unlock” our sexual pleasure! A bullshit idea that is constantly reinforced by mainstream society/movies/music videos etc and the idea that the “perfect partner” is all you need for great sex and eternal happiness! It also puts crazily unfair amounts of pressure on our partners to be that “perfect” lover too – which is definitely not helpful!
Our pleasure is our own. Sure, it can be exquisite to share this with a partner too – but we are still the sole architects of our own orgasms – if we don’t allow them, they don’t happen! Regardless of how “skilled” our partner may be! So many women stay in otherwise crappy relationships simply because the sex is good (although how good, when the rest of the relationship isn’t, is still questionable. And if sex is “good” within a dysfunctional relationship, just wait to see how “good” it can be outside of one – no new partner required!) Or, they wait for “Mr/Ms Perfect” to waltz in through the door and awaken their pleasure for them. Which is just not how it works!
Revelling in ourselves as our own pleasure source and enjoying regular self-pleasure dates are vital to awakening and cultivating the consistent flow of sexual energy/life-force energy in our creative centre/yonis… and when that centre in us lights up, our entire beings light up. Nourishing ourselves with a regular diet of self-pleasure as well as finding frequent reasons throughout the day to revel in the pleasure of being alive – the feel of a warm breeze or sunshine on our skin… the exquisite, nurturing feeling of diving into the ocean… the enjoyment of a delicious, nutritious meal… a beautiful sunrise or sunset…. the smile of a loved one… All of these things fill our pleasure tanks and remind us of who we truly are. And in that state, self-doubt and self-loathing disappear – and are replaced by both self-liberation and self-realisation – and we start to live as the sparkling beings of light that are our true identity. Source energy having a physical experience.
Go live it! ♥
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